Dude!!!

Random Act of Culture

Scattered, Like Brains

Good golly. Yeah I've been spending way too much time on Facebook being social. I feel happier, but stupider for it. Okay, not stupider, but less studious. I should really be reading articles.

I am trying to form an opinion about what I think the effects of the de-pegging of the Chinese RMB to the dollar and the inflation it is causing in China and the likely ripple effect of inflation in America. And also the changing work culture there. I've heard that many young people are leaving rural areas to move to the cities and work in the service industry and many of the people who went to Beijing to work the Olympics never went back home and that's causing labor shortages in the factories. And change is going very quickly. The currency rate bump up is going to be like 4% soon. So I think import prices from China are going to increase a lot and I wonder what effect that will have on the North American economy. In the latest DOL numbers, the Producer Price index is up .4%, the Consumer Price Index is only up .1% but wouldn't the PPI directly influence the CPI, uh, causally? Will we recover our domestic production capacity? In time? Will we increase imports from India and Mexico? Will this fluctuation affect the entire globe? What areas will benefit? Am I a citizen of the world or of America? I want to tell my friends what to do...

And you guys both probably know I am in over my head. Which leads me to: How do I form opinions? I feel like... you know, this is a little raw. But for whatever reason, I feel like a noob. I've avoided having opinions because I didn't want conflict or criticism or have to defend myself or even to make waves. So I've got some issues with this. But I feel like I have pretty good intuition and a good sense of "how things are", I've got a good position to monitor different market segments like advertising, collectibles and restaurant supply, which behave differently, so I have quite a bit of national data to work with. And I think most essays do start with a certain hypothesis in mind. I think I have anough flexibility to change my opinion if I find I'm wrong. How do I analyze things without trying to read 5 huge books and falling into a morass, trying to become an economist? I don't know to what standards I have to hold myself personally accountable for? I know the standards of journalism are strict. It's just there is an incredible amount of space between Perfect and utterly stupid and I'm not even getting on the board anywhere because it won't be "correct". How do I find my place?

Goofing Up

I don't have anything very entertaining to say, but it has been a very strange week. I've been having trouble keeping money in my hands. I usually do a little better. I'm afraid if I keep pushing the bills forward to catch up to the money, I'll have sort of a reverse snowball effect. Hmmm. Wait. No that would be an actual snowball effect wouldn't it? I don't know, I give up! : P

Anyway, we'll always have music!

A Lesson

People talk about life not being black and white, but really full of many shades of grey. But it's even more than that. The sky and the clouds, the grass and falling leaves... Life is many shades of color.

A beginner will see things in black and white because he is literally reading the rule book, trying to memorize it and follow it all at the same time. It takes experience to learn how to handle mistakes and make adjustments. It takes time to acquire finesse.

A budget is a lot like a diet. When you're new to a diet, you carry the book around and won't have a slice of tomato that's not on the list. When you're new to a budget, you estimate this much for utilities, that much for gas, groceries, etc. and a small spending allowance so you won't feel too deprived.

As you spend time on a diet you learn how to bend the rules and add good foods when you're really hungry and just how much bad food you can get away with.

When my new budget came into a conflict between my desire to have more fun and my car's desire to have more gas, fun won. So that was a mistake, but shouldn't be the end of the world. But I'm still working in black and white. It was a much worse mistake to try to go back and "unfun". I need to accept my own responsibilty and consider other people's feelings and mine too. I will make adjustments to eek the money out of groceries. And I'll eat my ramen noodles with humility while I think about this lesson. : )

Music to Me

Last night I was talking to my Dad and the nurse interrupted when she came in to check his vitals and afterwards, I said "Gosh, I forgot what i was talking about..." and my Dad said "programming". !!!

And my stepmom and the nurses were making a big deal about how he can say "Hi"

My Dad f'ing rocks.

Where You Want To Get To

Wish I knew what I was really saying before I was actually saying it. But I usually say what I need to hear if I only listen, "It's not about what it is, it's about what it means." So, some things are opportunities, some things are just good signs. Some things are growth. Sometimes you've got run into the curbs to see where the road is, or even to find the turns. Getting off base a little bit to reach critical mass and find out, wait, I've got a lot more growth to do. I'm not working this hard and causing this much havoc just to get to Maslow's level one. I have to keep in mind the ultimate goals that I'm doing the whole horrible metamorphosis to achieve. Okay, eww, thinking cockroaches *sigh*...

Interesting few weeks, interesting, sometimes painful days. No pain, no gain. (Pain is helpful. It makes you tough. It keeps you from injury. Triumph.) Learning acceptance and letting go. Remembering my spirituality. It's helpful to look at things the opposite way. Why do I make bad choices, I'm a loser. How about no, it's a stellar choice in a few ways but... You can make even better choices that work and be a winner. Look at things the opposite way and poof, you're on the other side.

Ahhhh, Beef!

Was just thinking "I wonder what I should make for dinner..." And I heard a deep voice in my head say "Beef. It's what's for dinner."

Thank goodness for advertising!

P.S. I've been too scared to look into the whole Lady Gaga thing so this is just literally about my dinner. : )

Look Up

Learned something interesting... Well you know, I don't know if this is gossip or not. I'm starting to think that people who break these rules are more socially aware than people who follow them. It is freaking hard to follow every freaking rule. It's just awful, you can never succeed. It's okay to not exactly agree with some rules, or draw gradients and draw a line on the spectrum... Anyway, maybe this is gossip but... I found out someone I like actually likes someone I really think is a jerk. The implications are huge: My opinions are just mine. Not everyone thinks of everyone the same way. Everyone has a shot at friends. A lot of people might think I am a jerk. That's not the end of the world. It's variable. (I don't think variable's the right word. What word do I want?) Maybe I can vary people's opinion of me. Maybe I don't have to. If I strive for what I believe is good, we will all survive.

I had some trouble with some acquaintances, see a few posts back, and someone asked me "So why do you want to be friends with these people?" That's a very interesting question...

I have to get ready for work so... Have a good day! : )

Reality Food TV Shows

Made this list of parody names for reality shows for the Food Network. One of the things I was doing instead of sleeping the morning of August 26th : )


• Big Broth

• American Ladle

• Judge Juicy

• Dancing With the Jars

• Supercanny

• Pimp My Rice

• So You Think You Can Mince

• Breadliest Catch

• Wife Soup

• The Appretzel

• Chops

• History Dieticians

• Project Soufflé

• DishBusters

• Ice Cream Truckers

Guess What's For Lunch

Hello! It's been a few days. Everything is pretty decent. No news is good news! I always hated that saying when I was a kid and thought it meant "All news is bad news." Haha.

Last night my kids and I made croissant dogs: you wrap hot dogs in Kraft cheese slices and Pillsbury croissant dough and bake them in the oven. We started with 15 minutes kept going so I'm not sure how long... It was fun!

Just Don't Know

Went to the show. Said Hi to an acquaintance who I know from a social network and his friends one girl one guy introduced themselves to me but then right away he waved his hand up at me and said "Well, you came over to say Hi, so Hi--" and turned to walk out to the back porch. I just felt kind of stupid so I watched the TV for a while, there was a show about pawn shops that was kind of interesting. Then the opening act was setting up so I went out and got a good table and kind of put myself to the side like either that's how I wanted to sit or they were welcome to join me when they came out. And they didn't look at or say anything to me and sat at the table right next to me. And then another girl from the social network came in and sat down and looked at me like sorry and then whispered to the other girl. I was so embarrassed and felt like a presumptuous loser. At the bar when I went up I said to the guy 'I must have misunderstood, when people announce things it usually means come join them and you do know me, so I'm kind of embarrassed... You're making me feel like some kind of creepy stalker or something.' So he said 'Don't worry about it, you're fine.' But nothing changed, it's not like they then asked me to pull my chair over 12 inches or anything... I felt so rejected and stupid I had to go out and cry for a minute. I came back but I felt really uncomfortable. I went to get a refill of Diet Coke and somebody took my table. But I paid my $7 and I was going to see the band. So I hung out in the doorway and then after a couple songs found a place to sit behind a wall next to the sound guy. I had to go out and cry a little more. I came back and said a prayer, just that I could accept the situation and find peace. Then the band was having trouble with feedback. And the sound guy was not around and the band was saying "Somebody please help us! Just turn down "K1" and "K2"!" And so I stood up and peeked at the giant soundboard. I saw no K1 and K2 but positionally I was starting to suspect the sliders labeled Q1 and Q2 were it and was still debating whether the sound guy would kick my ass or just kick me out when he came running up. I said "I didn't touch anything" and sat back down. And I started to enjoy myself because I realized: I am not a "cool kid". Who would do that? I can be dorky. I can be emotional. I can be way too earnest. If I'm not dancing with my feet, I'll be dancing in my seat or at the very least keeping the beat. So I guess I don't really fit in with them. I guess I wonder why they didn't tell me I wasn't welcome. Oh wait, they did. See? Not cool.

The band walked off the stage because of the sound guy or the crowd.
Anyway, I will beg Barb or Amy to go next time or hunt down my wild band girl Jackie. I need a wingman. Wait--sidekick? Whatever!

I want to know when I will find my crowd.

Please Ignore the Name : )

About to go see this band! : )

Subtract the Add

My doctor is convinced I have ADD because I multitask so well. But all the medicines she has been trying on me have backfired horribly. There was the blindness incident. Yay. Then last week I started something new that put me in a horrible barbaric mood, wanting to plunder, rape and pillage. Yay. One day I came in early and wanted to leave on time, but my boss came in at 5:00 to have an impromptu 1/2 hour meeting. Oh wow, did I *glare* at him. I need to practice being assertive still, huh? I'm sure anything I could've said would've been more polite than sending psychic eye daggers. Namely, "Look I have a headache. I'm in a bad mood. I came in early and I'd like to go home now, can we please do this tomorrow?" Ooh, I'm going to write that on a piece of paper and stick it in my drawer. : ) I'm keeping some of these pills for just in case (Note to self: Strattera, 7 hours, you know what I mean.) I think I just need to tell the doctor, Look I have a 183 iq I'm going to overthink things. I'm used to it. Let's move on. Please.

Leave my head alone! I'm a Human!!! ; )

Blow The House Down

I thought my new mind-hack (Now there's a euphemism) of acknowledging my thoughts and then they would leave me alone... well, It's not that efficient. It's not something you can really do in a second. Dismissing things immediately is once again throwing them in the back of the closet. Where they can hide and jump out at you.

I've been trying to look at the bright side. I'm testing my mettle. I'm building up my character. I am widening the corridors and adding more lanes.

Wouldn't I love to really need red roses? Yes, but I'm not going to superglue my face to them. I'm not going to superglue a dog and a cat together. You can't just play with superglue. Lovely magic superglue. Don't even sniff it.

Through the Woods

Had a very nice birthday. Didn't expect anything! Stayed in a great mood almost all day. My coworkers got me some pretty pink and purple mixed flowers I liked a lot. And a card about getting "Lucky" ...guess you have to see it. J sent me red roses, which made me nervous since we've been separated this year. (Red roses are the PDA of flowers.) I almost had a panic attack but I calmed down pretty quickly. "Everything is okay. Nothing's changed. Flowers is flowers. It's the thought that counts."

I'm one of those weirdos who gets happy about their birthdays. I don't care how old I am. Hey, look! I'm alive! Woo-Hoo!!! I get in a weird mood but I didn't act like an idiot too much. Wanted to play instead of work but I was a good girl. Got my stuff done.

For dinner we had veggie pizza with pepperoni (don't judge me) and for singing over: carrot cake with raisins and no frosting. The top was crunchy like a brownie. It was so yummy!

I got: One of the new Crest Sonic toothbrushes, a window mounted hummingbird feeder, a hula hoop, 2 3lb. hand weights and the origami masterpiece is still a work in progress. : )

Funny You Should Say That

Had a drug interaction last Thursday that was pretty extreme. Take a common ADD medicine (according to my doctor that's why I'm special) and a really common, really "safe" decongestant and put them together and boom. Here's what happened.

Lost my favorite perfume on vacation so Tuesday I used something new and kept smelling it a lot to see if I liked it, to see if it was evolving on my skin, to see if it had persistance. By late afternoon, I had irritated sinuses. Really painful. I asked my local allergy experts what to take and they told me to ask a pharmacist. Stopped at Rite Aid on my way home to consult and told her I am sensitive to things and what is the safest thing for sinus pressure and pain. She said the safest thing is Sudafed. I said okay. And she said but the Sudafed we have back here behind the counter works way better. So of course I want "way better", never having taken anything like this, why wouldn't I want "way better", right? My sinuses are so care-free that I've gone half my life without this and yet I need the most powerful. *sigh*

Tuesday evening took it, felt *way better*, got to sleep at 12:30. Wednesday, took ADDmed in morning felt like sinus thing coming back took 1 pill in afternoon. Wednesday eve 6pm went to comic book shop. (I am so poor now my indulgence is a weekly comic book : ) Most of the income, yet all of the bills.) Walked in and couldn't see. I thought wow, it's taking my eyes a long time to adjust to the light. Waited 5 minutes standing there while people chatted. Thought wow, I don't remember staring at the sun. I must have looked at a reflection? Went and sat on a stool for a bit, everyone still chatting so I waited. I thought maybe I stood up real fast and got light headed. So it was a while. Between waiting to see and looking at things and buying a book and going home, I got home about 6:45.

Wednesday night I couldn't sleep at all. I kept getting up and going back to bed and getting up and writing things and going back to bed and staying up until Thursday, time to go...

Thursday morning went to work but couldn't get anything done. I was really talkative and really thinkative. I was trying to change something and in the afternoon screwed something up. Of the 4 things I changed I backed up 3.

Thursday night was Z's 16th birthday. Went to the Dad's who's staying at his mom's. I went too for the party. It was okay. About 8 oclock I said can you turn that light off because it's hurting my eyes? My pupils were dilated all the way, no green even visible. The black blind spot kept getting bigger. Couldn't see for 2 hours. My 16 year old drove me for the first time! : ) His dad's car to my house. His dad took me to ER where they gave me Benadryl and things slowly got better. Slept a lot this weekend.

My Changing Body

Wow, I just don't understand why my body is changing so much. My skin used to be smooth but now it's so not. I have bumps in places that used to be flat. My figure is starting to take on an hourglass shape, in reverse. I have "growing pains" in all my bendy spots.

Some people even tell me they can see it in my eyes, how things are changing for me. (I think they just want to sell me a new prescription.) Most embarrassing --and I hate to talk about it but I feel like people already know, just by looking at me-- I have hair growing in grey in places where it used to be dark.

Sorry for the long story, but I'm just hoping somebody out there can tell me how to make this stop.

Thanks in advance!

Re: The Next Post

I couldn't stay sleep so I'm up!

I've never done this before but I am send out my next post as an email to my friends. I wonder if anyone will like it. Because that would be neat!

Things I Am Doing Instead of Sleeping

Couldn't sleep, finally got up... Had to take Sudafed for some kind of alleged allergy and now I seem to be 'fed up. *buh-dum-bum*... So here are the thinkgs I am doing instead of sleeping...

A. Trying to figure out what is up with me this week. I went on vacation last week and came back feeling happy and relaxed. But now my attitude seems different somehow. It's been a weird few days. Not horribly weird, just a little raw. I can tell things are changing, but I don't know what. It seems to be some kind of realignment of self-esteem. Or it feels like a reunion of logic and emotion, does that make any sense? Like a barrier has disappeared and the floodgates are open and head and heart are both super busy having a party, catching up. Thoughts just pop all day and night and some of them are interesting and I have to jot them down. Remind me to pull out my notebook and post them for you. And by "you" I mean the Royal you. And then tell me if I can add "amateur philosopher" to my list of imaginary credentials.

B. Thinking of parody names for reality food tv shows. [Coming Soon]

C. Thinking about how my hair and I feel about each other. [Coming Soon]

D. Thinking about how much I would love a pet.

E. Thinking about writing a song but I can't come up with a good topic. I want to see if I can make a dance song because that would be something completely different.

And now... maybe I can sleep :)

WIF

What if?...

I had a supremely crappy day at work yesterday and I was very upset. I have a, I don't know what to call it, project or task that takes hours and hours to do. I go through thousands of records fixing various errors and there are like 12 different things I have to fix. And I do this every month. And some new circumstances have come into effect that make it even worse since the beginning of 2010. So I spend like 60 hours a year at least, fixing things in this area that shouldn't even be wrong...

And it finally just occurred to me to get fed up.

First, let me tell you real quick about one change that just happened. I am so super busy that I've given my girl (and I mean that in a super-good way like "Hey hey, mah Home-Girl!") all kinds of things to do for me that I wouldn't normally have the audacity to ask, things like "Please enter this", "Please file these", "Please pull these invoices", "Please make these labels". And I feel so guilty because I feel like I'm treating her like my secretary and it's kind of and unspoken part of the corporate culture that "we don't have secretaries, we do our own work." But I'm so busy, I've just given up trying to do every little thing, I just CAN'T. And I give her big stuff too. I used to worry, what if I turns out wrong? I should do it myself! At least I can figure out the perfect notes in the perfect words that she totally understand and train her in it which I can never get to... But it doesn't matter! I can tell if things turn out right or wrong. It is part of my super Virgo power to find or even magically stumble upon pretty much every single error everywhere. And if it's wrong, I just give it back and say, sorry it's wrong right here please fix. And leave it up to her to figure out why she did it wrong. Because now I know that as much as anyone ever tries to help anyone else understand by trying to explain it, maybe even several different ways: Nobody ever understands anything until it comes through their own head.
And the weird thing is, even though I'm giving her some good stuff and actually a whole lot of shit work and feel bad, she actually seems really happy about it. Being busier. So. Huh.

Just a number of realizations (not realizations, they've always been obviously true, but they're just things I didn't apply to myself before for some reason) have come together for me:

...

I'm sorry. I just can't do this now. Maybe later...

'Fuming

The one little thing I lost on my trip was perfume. My last sample of Lolita Lempicka. I got a 12-pack of free samples on eBay that came in for about $8. I hope I left it somewhere in the room and I hope the maid kept it instead of throwing it away.

I really love the fancy stuff like Givenchy and Guerlain that I don't ever actually get. I could become totally strung out on French perfume. I'd be found shaking in the alley behind the boutique, pounding on the door, crying "Just one more ounce millilitre! S'il vous plait, Madame! Je vous en prie!"

You know, it's probably a good thing I can't get any. Just say Non.

Mamma

Hi, we're home! We had a nice time. One thing, we went to a really good Chicago pizza place, Giordano's. Delicious! Just look at this puppy, so good. We had pizza for lunch and dinner all the way home too! : )

Our waiter was really cool. He looked like Vince Vaughn with lighter hair. He made lunch interesting. My youngest pulled a butthead move: "Hey mom, what's that behind you?" and snagged my pop. The waiter was there immediately and said, "Okay, I'm confused. Should I bring a refill of regular Coke or Diet Coke? You're drinking Diet now, right? So, I'm just really confused about what's going on here..." Ooh. Called out my son. The message was so clear, "Respect your Mamma." I enjoyed feeling vindicated. Later when he came back with our pizza, he asked me if I'd like a piece and served me and asked my 15-year old if he'd like a piece, served him and then left. Ouch! My 13-year old just seethed. That's okay. Good lesson for him.

I am having a hard time describing my feelings about my role during the trip. At home, things fall into a groove and it's not quite as obvious why the house exists or why we have food, they just have their own little routines. Out on the road, we are it. All we have is our car, this much fuel, these snacks, these maps. Like a spaceship or a submarine. On the road, I was the captain, the navigator, the treasurer, and security guard. It's not lost on me the importance and satisfaction of providing for and protecting my cubs. I hope they find that as well.

Chic-a-Go-Go

We've seen the Planetarium and the Aquarium. I'm really enjoying being 100% mom. : )

Sail the Accountancy

With It

It's funny. The cliches like "All things must pass", and "When in doubt, do nothing" and "Let go and let God" and "What would Scooby Doo?"... They seem to go in one ear and out the other until one day, they suddenly hit you just right and make sense. And then, you feel like you invented the concept yourself. "This is a totally new, revolutionary thought! I must tell someone!" : )

I started reading a book on Buddhism. Still on the first few pages, but the author gets right into it. He's talking about how a house is not really a house. That if you laid all the materials on the ground, no one would say, "There is a house." He also gives the example of the letter "A". What is the letter "A"? Is it the line leaning right? The line leaning left? The stroke across the middle? And which particular grain of sand is the concrete block? Is there a thing "house" that is laid over these materials like a blanket?

Okay, honestly, I do not get this at all. I can't get my head around it. I can't remember what the realism vs. nominalism debate is about. I can't remember Plato's theories on form vs. ideal. I just know when I read it as a teenager I thought Plato was an idiot. Haha. Ha ha. Ha.

But the thing I did learn, while trying to grasp this is: Thoughts are not things.

Also, "deal with" is not an action verb. Not by itself. Not when used in the sentence "I don't know how I can deal with all this." "Deal with" is meaningful in contexts where it can be replaced by an action verb like "plan" or "pay" or "wash" or "make a phone call".

Thoughts come, thoughts go. I don't have to dwell on them. I have them and acknowledge them and they go away. "Wow, I sure have a lot of work to do today! Yes, you do, let's get started!"; "Yikes, I have bills! Yes you do. Everyone does. That's why you have a job. And I'm lucky, I like it there."; "My Dad is very sick. I know. That's very sad. But he's been a good Dad and you love him. I know. And there's not much I can do about it. Not this minute anyway."; "Fill in the _______. Yes, ________ happens! Okey dokey!"

So thoughts call out for attention, but I don't have to give them center stage or cry or beat myself up or be distracted. I just say yeah or maybe or who knows and they quietly return to their seats. In one lobe and out the other. This is quite a timesaver.

Hakuna Matata! I guess.

Resistance is Feudal

Couldn't sleep last night. But I did decide once and for all that I absolutely would prefer feudalism over anarchy. Better infrastructure. Just sayin'.

Seven Nation Army

Neat dance routine by the contestants of So You Think You Can Dance to the song "Seven Nation Army" by the White Stripes.

Carpe Deus

One of the things I always do is examine my computer to see what the kids have been up to. I make sure they're just playing videogames and doing Facebook, etc. My son's formspring is hilarious. There's one website that's cynical and borderline (failblog) but I allow it because it's really funny and they share the really good ones with me. And they are full-blown teenagers now. Things change.

I found this in the history yesterday: the wikipedia entry for Deus ex Machina. I was so proud.

The way I've seen it in popular culture I thought it meant either artifacts that systems accumulate that cause unintended consequences and give things a mind of their own: ghosts in the machine, gremlins, bugs. Or I thought it was perhaps like the cliche of robots taking over the world. I thought I knew what the saying meant but not really, so I'm glad I read that.

It's helpful to me because I am in a ladies discussion group where we talk about this kind of thing a little bit. Trying to come to terms when neither religious dogma nor skepticism nor nothing at all quite fit the facts as you see them. Deus Ex Machina: God by your own hand.

Have a Day

It's all just the same damned day. --Janis Joplin

Rasputina

Here is the band I saw Saturday night! It was great, but the venue was hot. And crowded. Like a meat sauna. The band was wonderful! Had fun, lost a few pounds! : )

Are Too, Me Too

Had quite a busy day yesterday. Worked late, met some girlfriends for coffee, went to see my Dad (who finally got his trach out again : ) and went to the grocery store.

At the grocery store two employees were stocking items. One was putting away frozen and the other was doing lunch meat I think. I overheard some of their conversation:

1st Lady: You know I have diabetes.

2nd Lady: Me too.

1st Lady: But I don't take shots, I manage it with diet.

2nd Lady: I don't take shots either, but I take {garbled}.

1st Lady: I take that too. But my doctor says if it continues to get worse, I will need insulin shots.

2nd Lady: Me too. My doctor said I will too if I'm not careful...

I thought that was pretty funny. Not that they have diabetes, which is a shame, just the way they were talking, trying to outdo each other by me-tooing each other. Okay, wow, that's not even funny at all, now that it's typed out. Maybe it was the timing? It's all in the timing. As in, it's 10 o'clock at night and I'm bushed and loopy.

Anyway, this made me think of the way women identify with each other. Any pet peeve, they totally know! It bugs them too, we are so alike. My husband drives me nuts... I know, mine drives me nuts too, if I see his socks on the chair one more time, grr!

It feels nice to get some support and she's being a good friend and you have a good friend and you feel better for a while. But I think sometimes it can backfire. Women encourage each other to accept things. We give each other reassurance. Tips on how to make do.

Status Quo Police. (No particular emphasis. I just like how it sounds like "Quid pro quo, Clarice..." : )

They are so ready to be there for you. "I would come down a dark alley just to be there for you!" Not "Hey, you know, this is a dark alley and it's midnight and there's something in the shadows... Why are we here again?"

My friend mentioned that she really didn't want to do {extremely unpleasant chore} with her husband and he should handle it without her. But I didn't miss a beat in throwing out 4 different reasons why it would actually be a good thing for her to do it with him. How it would actually be in her best interests to just do it. ...Wait, what did I just do? I told her later I was sorry that I gave her bad advice. She didn't have to want to do something she didn't want to. If she didn't like something she had every right to just not like it.

Cartesian Product

Just want to say "Hi, I still exist!" : )

Optimissed

Thinking about that saying "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

Except for OCD handwashing, it's not necessary to be clinically insane. There's no need to have a phobia, or voices in your head saying, "Hey, do that again!"

This is a cop-out for the people who might think, consciously or unconsciously, "Yeah, well, I might be a little crazy. Every one's a little crazy... So, whatever. ♪ La Di Da ♪"

I think there may be a correlation between irrationality and psychosis, but psychosis is not a necessary cause for being irrational. (I wonder what a psychologist would have to say about this quote.)

Doing the same thing over and over is not the definition of insanity, but the definition of foolishness. No excuses.

With a Bow on Top

Just walked around the block, meditating on karaoke. I meditate on anything. I do the bell curve all the time.

If I can sing as good as I say I can, after a year of not practicing, that qualifies as a gift, a present I got without earning.

Songs are about expressing emotions, even if the emotion is just "I want to dance."

The songs I picked expressed longing, futility, hope. I do believe in the songs while I sing them. You can tell when someone is just technical. (My big flaw is that I can't dance. Britney Spears I am not.)

I am starting to appreciate my forum where sharing emotions and experiences with a good analogy or clever turn of phrase is just the thing we needed today.

And Your Bird Can Sing

Just got home from going out to karaoke with some friends from High School. I had so much fun. It is so much more fun to be out with people instead of out by myself. Nobody hit on me at all, even though I look perfectly fine. So much better than fending off drunks or the strategy I discovered last time I went, about a year ago, which is to gather a cadre of old men. You have very nice interesting people to talk to and they keep each other at bay. And you can thank them for the conversation and leave no problem and yet everyone still had a successful evening. It's nice.

I am kind of wired because I had 7 or 8 cups of Diet Coke. : )

I didn't spend a dime because the waitress gave me pop for free. Well, I did leave her a $3 tip which is what I had. She never broke my $20.

Here are the songs I sang:

Carole King - So Far Away -- My warm-up song


Jefferson Airplane - Somebody to Love -- Managed to hold the final note all the way! wOOt! : )


Tommy Petty - Refugee -- This was my absolute favorite. I got an idea to sing this like Stevie Nicks and it turned out so good! People could tell what I was doing and liked it! I was so happy with it!

Lita Ford & Ozzy Osbourne - If I close my eyes forever -- This was DJ's idea for a duet and I did so badly he had to sing my part in my ear for me to know what to do. Turns out I didn't remember the song at all! : ) I try to avoid unrehearsed duets as much as possible. They hardly ever go well. Well enough anyway. Even though it sucks all you can do is pretend to be happy and thank the other person for singing with you and tell them how good they did, because usually they did do well. I am the weak, weak link.

Aretha Franklin - Chain of Fools -- Tore the roof off the sucker.

Janis Joplin - Bobby McGee -- Was transported to my own little Janis Joplin world. Had the place to myself. : )

Wow I almost forgot I could sing like that. But I didn't forget how! But one thing that happens when you go out with singers is they don't care as much. My friends didn't pay as much attention as a table full of rockers in front of them who had things like tattoos and huge earrings and nose rings. There was a guy named Spider who looked like Perry Farrell. They just sat there with rapt attention. It was so neat to impress rockers!

Okay, maybe I'm getting tired now. Maybe I'll do some Sudoku to get sleepy. Goodnight! : )

(Maybe I'll be back tomorrow morning in the afternoon.)

Kitten Theory

Shop Kmart, Shop K Mart

I went shopping at K Mart today, looking for cheap thrills, when I heard a lady kind of yelling into her cell phone. She was saying things like "No, I'm not over-reacting!" All kinds of things that you might not want to say loudly in the middle of K Mart unless you wanted help. She was walking in circles, arguing with her guy, talking in circles.

I was hanging around too because I found the cutest blouse on the clearance rack that was red with this pretty embroidered collar in the most interesting shade of marigold, that went with nothing. But was very "India", so worth trying. I even put it up against an olive green skirt, because red and olive green looks good on olives.

When she hung up I went over and said "Hi. Are you okay? Is there anything I can do? You shouldn't have to argue about your own feelings. They're yours and you have every right to have them." She said thanks that's very nice and she was okay and at least she wasn't married to him and seemed happy about that. And she went on her way.

I did not get the blouse.

Just Ignore The Fact It's Baseball Season

When you throw your football of self-esteem at someone, they may fumble it, spike it, pop it, miss the pass altogether, run for their own touchdown, be playing for the other team, or maybe not even be the end receiver. Don't try to play catch with just anyone, just because you have a ball.

Piñata

My years seem to have a theme that runs from Spring to Winter. 2008-2009 was about healing. Physical therapy. Health. Lessons which I still carry forward...

Last year seems to have been about acceptance: There might be some problems... It's okay to have problems. I don't have to just feel guilty and beat myself up and try to hide myself.

It's okay to be as wonderful as I am too. I don't have to feel guilty and beat myself up and hide myself.

I could only get so small. It's so different to shift the main focus from minimizing the bad to maximizing the good. Potential.

Sure the change in flow has spit out some junk too but it's not so bad. Moving some dirt and bugs and dead leaves to make way for the flower. We're just going to have to grow around the rocks instead of through them.

One sentence that has come to mind is "Do what works better." I learned what I feel "better" is, now I'm working on "what works", next I will work on "Do". (Color coded filing really works for me, just thought you should know.)

I wouldn't be human if I wasn't disappointed... It takes a lot to just give up everything, even if it didn't work. I'm not going to give up my whole life though. I'm not going to give up everything about living my life and raising my children and the love I did get and the love I did give.

I'm just bummed that we went through the whole big Mexican standoff only to find out neither one of us is Mexican.

Keep It Simple Stupid

What do you mean by "simple"? Do you want to minimize the number of steps, the resources used, the average time to complete? Improve the ergonomic efficiency? Make it foolproof? Easy to assemble, or even all-in-one? Or is the goal "ease of use"? Have you done a user-interface study?

And what do you mean by "keep"? In order to keep it simple wouldn't it already have to be simple? Maybe this is a warning to guard against gathering complexity, bureaucratic additions acquired over time?

What is "it"?

Who you callin' "Stupid"?

...

Plants

Here are a few of my favorite plants: Pine trees, ferns, cedars, lilacs, carnations.

Repetoire

When I took my Mom to the store, my boys were being buttheads and wouldn't come. That's okay, we had a leisurely lunch. I was thinking about what I posted the other day about understanding my Mom a little better and I wanted to talk to her. I really wanted to know, why should I love you.

I knew all this but we talked about it again, how she grew up in the 50's on a plantation in Cottonport, Louisiana and was taken care of by a nanny named Lightning. She spent a lot of time sitting under the pecan trees. It was like Gone with the Wind. How she never could catch on in school. She was a cute as a button and people told her she looked like a cross between Shirley MacClaine and Elizabeth Taylor. She sang like Doris Day. I remember her costuming at The Toledo Repetoire Theater.

I asked her why she left and she told me, yadda-yadda-yadda. But the way I saw it... It was summer before I turned eight and the last thing I remember is I cut the crap out of my hair and she didn't take it well Etc, etc, I don't remember very clearly but very soon she was gone. Guess who thought they caused this?

Ugh, resentment is a killer. I couldn't even think about this before last year. I want to understand and do the opposite and heal things. I think it was just one more thing she couldn't deal with. Just really bad timing.

Not sticking with trouble was a lesson I shouldn't have rejected out of hand, saying "I'm never going to do that". I really should've kept "giving up" in my repetoire.

So my mom is an undiscovered movie star. As an extremely minor rock star, I can relate to that.

Things will be okay.

Sphere Energy

Okay, I found this astrological compatability test that's pretty cool and conveniently boils whole relationships down to a simple number.

It's kind of interesting though. I ran the numbers (Ha! Sounds official, like accounting) on my Dad and Mom, 166 pretty bad, attraction leading to doom, to paraphrase it. Then I ran it for my Dad and Stepmom 680, better, stability.

I don't know that I really believe in star power, there's no evidence like the bible ahem, but I think there is kind of an energy thing. Different things "flow" differently...

Like opposites attract. This is workable because one person has to give in. At least you can make the thing roll and get somewhere. There's a compatablity in the oppositeness, two sides of the same coin. One person gets to lead but in their leading they get happy and that makes you happy back.

Discordant vibes are tough to work with because it doesn't matter who strives and who gives in it's just incredibly difficult to ever get on the same page. One person works from left to right, the other is up/down. You're only hooked in the middle. It only works if no one changes anything, because then you'll get off the one spot where it really works. It's frustrating for both. They hold each other back.

Compatability makes it easy to go far. You take off like a rocket. You could achieve great things together. (Or mabye bad things. I wonder if Bonnie and Clyde were compatible.) Depends on your aim.

How to Solve Your Identity Crisis the Easy Way

One of the first things many self-help books do is ask you to write down your goals and write a mission statement. If I could do that, why would I need this book?

Here is one solution to finding out who and what you are: Pretend you're a detective! Look for clues...

I can tell my interests by the books on my shelf: art, culture, science, history, philosophy, metaphysics, cooking, health, business.

I can tell what's important to me by what I strive for: financial security, love, respect, raising my children, spirituality, self improvement.

I can tell what I think of spirituality by my notions of how I suspect things work. (Hardly anybody believes there are no unseen forces in the universe, if you include science as an unseen force.)

I can tell my hobbies by how I want to spend my time: music, conversation, art, nature, exercise, studying, working.

I can tell what qualities I appreciate by looking at my friends: intelligent, talented, interested, trustworthy, philosophical, funny.

I can tell what I might become by looking at my parents. My dad is hard working, strong, impulsive, artistic, practical, critical. I can see that. My mom is a uh... kitten who believes in magic, likes to take care of people, but runs away from trouble. I am a flirt who is confused about her spirituality, wants to take care of people but not sure if she can, and vowed to never run away from trouble (possibly to my detriment). I think I need to understand my mom better.

I can tell what I need to work on by looking at what's a mess: the room I am sitting in right now. : )

Thanks for reading. I hope this approach might come in handy for someone. Whoever you are...

iDad 2

I want to report back that I gave the iPad to my Dad. He likes it. There are some practical issues to resolve so he can hold it up to use it. My stepmom likes it even more. She had no trouble learning it and she will help him.

Nosiree

Had an interesting thought at work today about saying no:

If you have trouble saying "No" because it makes you feel bad, try this: "No, sorry."

There for the Multitasking

Had an interesting thought at work today about my productivity:

My productivity is down because I'm going through a lot, so I've been trying to focus and just do one thing at a time. I used to be a work MONSTER. My problems are settling down to a low hum. Any bad news is already expected and accepted. It's okay, but my productivity is not improving. But I just realized, having an almost constant background track of personal problems IS multitasking. The solution might be to work multitask MORE!...Maybe? : )

8 2 Brewed Tea?

I went to bed early, but woke back up. I think I had too much caffeine today.

iDad

Got my Dad an iPad. Had to take out an advance to do it but I think it will be helpful. I think he will really like it. I am not expecting much but I'm hoping for miracles. : )

My Dad has always been very technical. He's always been into new things. In the 70's his business sold panel brick and cultured stone. Many of the buildings that have that big rough stone look have that from them. He also invested in and sold solar panels. He worked for a construction company for many years. I remember blueprints on his drafting table when I was little. My brother and I used to draw blueprints when we were little. My Dad would look at them and tell me my doors were impossible. I didn't like that, LOL! But for most of my life he's had a public accounting business. And they always had the newest, best computers available.

I think I will pretend Father's Day is this Sunday. : )

Green is Peace, Right?

Just got done watching Avatar. Um, cool effects and everything but Americans are stupid and evil? Did I get the message right? I am so glad this is a worldwide hit. I feel so much safer now. Thanks‽

What's Up?

Just got home from the hospital. I turned in to my neighborhood and saw something in the road up ahead. I slowed down. It was a little baby bunny sitting in the road staring at me. It was super cute. As I got closer it turned and hopped away. I turned the corner.

As I came to the next corner, I saw a baby bunny sitting on the curb, staring at me. As I got closer it turned and hopped away. I thought, "Whoa, that was weird." and turned the corner.

As I came to the next corner, I slowed down and looked around for my baby bunny. I did not see one. I thought, "Okay, good, that would've been odd..." So I pulled into my driveway. Guess who? Baby bunny sitting in my yard! I pulled in and it hopped away.

I think there is a magical baby bunny teleporting through my neighborhood to send me some kind of message. How else could you explain where all these baby bunnies came from?

Rooms and Numbers

At the hospital there is the "old hospital" and the new tower. The new tower is beautiful and has the fastest elevators I have ever been in. A lot of times people make comments, like "Already? Wow." So the new tower has nine floors and to differentiate the room numbers from the old tower, they add a 1 to the beginning. So my dad is on the floor where the rooms range from 1920 to 1945. I'm just thinking, there's got to be somebody on that floor who's in the same room number as the year they were born. I don't think that would be good.

Bossnia

I ran across an interesting user on the delicious bookmarks site. It seems to be a manager hiring people in Bosnia-Herzegovina. I think. Anyway, it made me happy for a minute. Hope, recovery, life goes on! : )

*POOF*

You have permission to do your best! : )

My Youngest

Here are the funny things my youngest son said just while I took him to Panera Bread today:

"Mom, I'm going to make a bumper sticker that says, 'Honk if you're Amish'. It's funny because they don't drive cars!"

He picked up the newspaper and said "I'm gonna cut you!"

We ate outside and he said "Pet Supplies 'Plus'". Is that where you have to go if your cat is really fat?"

MetroParkour

My Dad had a mild heart attack last week but he is on medicine and they sent him home again. I have to be careful not to drop him so he doesn't explode. Well, he smiled. What can you do? I have something I'm working on for him, I'll let you know how it goes when it comes together.

Had a good weekend. My youngest and I just got back from the park a little bit ago. We climbed underneath the bridge, down the slope, jumped over the creek and climbed back up the other side.* It was a total blast and really good exercise!

Climbing ladders was just the beginning. I've also gone exploring empty places, gone to an art show, gone to a rock show, watched some scary movies and stopped at a carryout for milk on the bad side of town during daylight hours. Why? Because I am such a badass I am considering dreadlocks? No, I'm just feeling my oats. I expect I'll keep myself reigned in. Most likely I will eventually try to translate my newfound bravery into something that makes sense.

I can't do negative reinforcement, it just shrinks me and ruins me. I've learned that everything new and good comes through fun for me. I think it's been natural like that for me with my kids. All of the best conversations I've had with them where I've taught them values have started with goofiness and then got serious and goofy and back. We can switch back and forth at the drop of a hat. They are so smart and caring and awesome. They totally get me. I am so blessed. They have interesting thoughts and good values and wacky senses of humor.

We have a bit of a laziness thing going on but I've got some theories... They get it from me. It sounds really weird but I think I've got to find (I can't think of another word) permission to allow myself to decide how I want things to be and allow myself to affect change on my environment. It seems kind of backwards but I think I would really love to have a painting and work outward from there. I liked this guys stuff when I saw it. I don't know. I could also copy a setting from IKEA. : )

I don't think I'm just misinterpreting things or not a good mom because I act too weird with them or I'm making them weird. HAHA! Sorry I can't even buy into that. I am HAPPY my kids are like me. I put a lot of love and effort into that! I am proud my kids are like me!

----
*It sounds dangerous, but in actuality we were more like crabs, picking our way down, hanging on to trees. See, I am torn between wanting to seem cool and letting the world know I'm not that reckless! : P

Hello

I've been at the hospital visiting my Dad a lot lately. Think good thoughts.

Tags

I think I will go through and put some tags on my posts. I'm not sure what it will look like. To make it easy, I will add the tags "essay" (using the term loosely) and "humor" (using the term loosely). I am thinking that will enable me to present a sort of censored version of my blog to people who just want to see how clever and wonderful I am without having to slog through my craptasticness as well. We'll see how this goes...

Okay, I'm bored. But we're getting there. Maybe it will be worth it. It will be like this:

http://qaro.blogspot.com/search/label/humor

http://qaro.blogspot.com/search/label/essay

Johnny's in the Basement

My kids are silly. This is a little un-PC, so don't take it seriously, they were just riffing...

I wasn't happy my oldest threw away his leftovers because maybe I might've wanted to take it for lunch tomorrow. So he says, "Oh I thought you were going to tell me about the starving children in Africa. FedEx should start a charity and give us all boxes so we can ship our leftovers to the starving children in Africa." And my other son said, "No, a vacuum tube. We could clean off the dishes and it would go "Shhoop! Under the ocean." And I said "They don't want your old nasty food! They want new food they can cook fresh themselves. Poor people want respect too. Did you know the poorest person in rags in India doesn't want used clothing? There is no Goodwill store in India. They don't want it because goodness knows who it used to belong to. They want money to buy new clothes." So my son said, "Okay, we can take the pneumatic tube and send it into a trough for animals to eat. Each family gets two pigs, a boy and a girl and if you eat your pig too fast you don't get piglets. The trough can stretch all the way across Africa." The other says, "It will the second structure visible from space, the Great Wall of China and the Subterranean Trough of Africa."

Yearless

Today is a year since I gave up sugar. Of course, it wouldn't make any sense to give up sugar and still drink beer, so that too. I was used to having a good time and had gone through agony with my back for two years so it wasn't as easy as I'd hoped... And I haven't been perfect but I can count them on one hand... So, normal people might count that for something...

Someone wants me to feel old and I don't. I think whatever awful thing was supposed to happen with my age switching from 39 to 40, whatever it was got totally overrided by my greatly improved health. I healed from back surgery, gave up sugar, started exercising, and lost 45 lbs. Sorry, don't care about my age.

Woke up the other morning thinking, 'You know, you should have a baby.' What??? 'Yeah, really. You haven't smoked for years. You don't drink. You always took your vitamins. You're strong and healthy. Your kids are big now and you make awesome kids. You really should.' I just wonder how long that's been floating around in my subconcious before it surfaced. Instincts.

None of my old clothes fit me. It looks like crap to wear 4 sizes too big. I have trouble not buying new clothes that make me look pretty. (It's all relative!) It's just for me really.

I've been thinking about things and I noticed I can't even talk to anybody without some kind of compliment. "OMG, I love your shoes!"... "Your hair is so cute!"... What is this? Who is this person? When did this start? It's not a lie, if I didn't think her hair was cute I would've picked her earrings or sweater or whatever the next cutest thing was, but what is this for? I guess I'm trying to be social but I'm just sick of myself.

Just going through a restructuring right now. It's not so good. I feel so unconnected to everyone and everything. I feel like I can't make anything better so what's the use anyway? You know, I never ate breakfast lunch or dinner today. Going to bed. 'Night!

I'm Surprised They Feel That Way

 

I couldn't agree more. I'm also starting to get a little tired of my road being torn up.

Insert Pun About Blindness or Sides Here

I watched the movie Blind Side. It was okay. (I hated a few moments of it here and there. Gag me with a spoon full of sugar.)

It was a movie that walked the thin line between gritty documentary and fairy tale. The writers did a good job of going back over the stereotypes and coloring them in a little bit. Except for the husband who didn't exist. Hey, Mr. Moneybags is home!

I learned one new thing about football. What a left guard is for, to protect a quarterbacks blind side.

Mostly I'm intrigued. Michael Oeher says he's going to write his own book. I'd like to read it.

I can see why members of the Academy voted for this character, an appealing amalgamation of traits because in real life nobody is just a little bit of a bitch or a slight control freak.

I wish instead of a movie this had just been an episode of Trading Spouses. But I am glad I saw it. Pop culture, something to think about.

God Loves a Vacuum

Trying to clean up, trying to get somewhere, because I'm lost, I'm totally in a funk.

No one's here. Cleaning the house and thinking...

Thinking about some of my friends, a lot of my friends really, and how we sometimes get into conversations about life, the universe and everything. And they always win me over in the end. Yes, you are right, magic is illogical, science is logical. You are smart and good and I am silly.

But they don't really give me anything new to go on. Except myself. And myself is not enough... So that's not really the end.

Guess who sneaks back in when they leave? ; )

When a Holiday's on You

I learned my lesson a day late and a dollar short.

This is hard to get my head around, but I might have holidays backwards: I think things should go perfect for me because it's my day.

We went to the zoo and had a lovely time. It was sunny but cool. The lilacs were beautiful, the safari animals were frisky.

My son wanted to leave. I wanted to see one more thing that was right next to the exhibit I was at. He said "If you do that, I'm leaving." I said "No, it's right here and we'll leave right after, so come on." And I popped in for a few minutes and then he was nowhere to be found.

Security was right there and I asked them if they'd seen him, a 5'10 thirteen year-old with glasses in a grey and red hoodie. They said he was probably close and I should sit on the bench right there and they would call on the radios. I didn't want to cross the bridge over to the other side if he was just hiding, and would momentarily pop out and ask for ice cream, so I waited until they got back to me and said they didn't see him. Then I crossed over and found him all the way at the other entrance, fuming.

I guess I screwed up. It made more sense when he was 4 and I knew I could only do 3 things with the kids and one of them had to be eating. Then they would give out and the whining would begin. They just can't go for hours. I don't get it, but I know it. When he's done, he's done, and 5 minutes 10 yards away is not the relevant factor. I should've sat down for a second and negotiated. Not, basically, it's "My day, it's my way, don't you dare take off across the highway."

So anyway. This is kind of a moebius thought but I need to turn it inside out... We are not celebrating Me, as thee Mother. Kneel down to the Queen of the family and pay your respects.

I can't throw away actually being a good mother so I can act like a two year-old.

I ruin my own holidays. Ouch.

The point is for me to take some time and reflect and feel my gratitude for the tremendous gift I have already been given.

Priceless.

Spackle Me Beautiful

story

This may be the funniest beauty product I have ever seen. It's like a mini paint bucket and roller. I love gadgets so I kind of want it except, ewwww...

Everybody's Working for the Weakened

Aw heck, I should've saved that title for some kind of conservative rant. Not for me.

What a crazy week. My son hurt his foot, he's okay. Worked a four hour day, worked a twelve hour day. My car broke down, and is fixed. My Dad had his tubes replaced, and is fine. And some other stuff, and some other stuff. Nothing seems to faze me anymore. Am I now jaded like a Chinese emperor?

Little things though, everybody seems kind of fired up and edgy. And most likely, by "everybody", I mean me. : )

I'm Just Wild About...

story
Gigantic helmets! : )

"Shut up! Gazoo says it's magic!"

Tails

Uh... Do animals really "crawl away to die"?

I remember my Dad told us to search the woods behind our house, which we did for a week. We never found our dog, King, but we came to believe he was just gone and hid real good because wanted to spare us the tragedy of finding him dead.

Um, woke up suspecting that maybe the truth is that Santa Claus takes them away. And I think my Dad may be even more awesome and strong and loving than I realized.

Ask Not, Tell Not

Considering the issue of dying for my country as raised by Nick:

I just literally can't think of a scenario where my death would make a difference for my whole country. It would have to be a really complicated situation where I was like James Bond and they wired my heart into the biggest nuclear bomb ever and if my heart beat one or two or three more times the bomb would detonate and take out not only the state of Ohio but the whole East coast and continue west over the Mississippi and on over the Rockies destroying the entire West coast. And Alaska. And Hawaii.

I don't know. Seems pretty far-fetched. But yes, I'd be honored to die for my country if it came down to all that.

Minty Fresh

It's difficult to find blog topics with so much going on. So I'll use what I have. Here's a question I'd like to consider: "Is pain a necessary part of personal growth?"

I've learned so much lately. It's been quite painful. Like dig deep, get out the bone saw, and probe for viable DNA. So, that makes me think pain and growth go hand in hand.

But I've also been through years of pain that kept me stunted. Dealing with the back injury, therapy, surgery and recovery was like a period of dormancy. Illness shrinks your life to what you can handle. Other things have immobilized me in other ways. When maintaining status quo is difficult, that's where things stay. (Could the phrase, "Try harder" be a red flag? [It was a white flag, but then came the bloody forehead of futility. {Sorry, I get gothic when I can't sleep.}])

But here's the part I'm wondering about: To what extent can change be affected without pain? Healing was like Spring. The gears started turning. Is it too optimistic to think that instead of "pulling teeth" it could be more like "brushing teeth"? I've been thinking hard and working hard and trying to improve. I hope I'm moving forward. (But if it's not awful, is it real?)

Sometimes

Sometimes it feels like I literally have nowhere to run.

I have to remember to stand still.

..."Oh, sweet! I found my pity potty! Let's party!" : )

Don't Forget

I found this stuck to the wall, about 3 feet off the ground. It appears to be a very important reminder from a small child. ...Who may be grown up by now, judging from the current color of this post-it, which has been there long enough to fade from yellow to white, but not long enough to turn yellow again.

Who is it from? What does it mean? A clue, from another time... A message, from another person... Or a pen-scratching, carelessly tossed in the air and miraculously caught on the wall, or stuck there, meticulously, to torment the curious. (Was it me?)

P.S. I am good! Just chillin'. No computer at home is a drag but I'm running around so much anyway. See you more soon! : )

Colonial 'Puter

My computer at home is broken, so if you don't hear from me, enjoy the Spring weather! : )

I'm Alright...

The groundhogs on the hill make me think of my Dad. : )

Shrimp Is As Shrimp Does

Made shrimp. No pictures, sorry. They are gone! : )

When You're On a Holiday

I can't wait to see what these people do for the 4th of July! : )

Up

Ugh. Couldn't sleep, couldn't get out of bed. Everyone's gone so I could just sleep all day if I wanted. Finally decided to get up and see what's on the internet.

Been down for a few days. I know I'm supposed to change, I just have no clue to what. What am I supposed to be being? Just whatever.

Went walking at work outside yesterday but it was way too cold. The wind was whipping. The ground was a minefield of frigid poo. The lawn is practically an unkempt dog park.

So I came in and I didn't want to bother the guys out working on a machine, so I went up and down the front stairs. At the top was a scary stair-ladder. But I knew I could do it because it was exactly like the stair-ladder to get to the roof of the Museum. I went up and peeked around. It was the room for the elevator motor. Very cool. Ancient machines to look at. I felt a thousand times better.

I don't just need to "stay busy". I need to do things that are fun and exciting. What the heck can I do to make this day worth getting out of bed for? It looks sunny outside...

Overkill Kills

Last night on my way home I sang along to Carole King's "So Far Away". That song usually makes me want to go to karaoke. This song has a lot more oomph live than it seems like it would.

But I don't even want to go to karaoke by myself anymore. I haven't gone since July or August. It was always crappy to go by myself. While you would think massive applause from drunken strangers would be fulfilling... not so much.

This time, hearing the song made me want to play piano. I would change the rhythm a little, syncopate it slightly different because my cadence is different. I've always had trouble with the timing in a certain spot, because that's not how I sing it. ; )

So, thinking about playing piano, about pulling out my Mel Bay #1 beginner piano book *sigh* and the many times I've tried and given up 3/4 of the way through, having just learned chopsticks, frustrated and angry because everyone already knows chopsticks and this is a huge waste of time.

I am so glad I'm in this phase of trying to improve. (It's a bit of a mess, like when you clean the closet and everything's all over the place. So yeah, I'm not done.)

But just thinking about trying to stop making the same mistakes over and over is helpful for anything. I do not have to get out the Mel Bay book and fail again.

I used to feel ashamed about not being able to read music. And I didn't know if it was failure because I could never get there, or pridefulness because I have an awesome ear and perfect pitch and I can manage anyway. Wow. I think I may have a small insight into how illiterates feel.

Anyway, I realized the goal is not to be a piano player, it's to learn "So Far Away" by Carole King on my keyboard. I don't care if I have to look up chord progressions, find the sheet music and decipher it one note at a time or watch someone play it on Youtube. I am not a music major. Nobody cares if I do it right.

It's a Ball!

No, my life is not a gordian knot. : P

Slowly, But Yeah

The other night it took me 5 hours to fix my stepmom's email for Picasa so she could send pictures. She finally let me come over and help. I've been offering for a long time. Someone else had already tried to fix it. Eventually she kept asking if I was almost done, "Oh yeah, almost done!" And if I wanted to give up "Oh no, I want to try one more thing!" (I wasn't keeping her up late, she stays up anyway. I knew she'd rather have it working than me out of there. Offering to let me off the hook was just being nice.)

I had to try a million things. Whatever the last thing I tried must've worked. : ) Just... there was no way I was going to give up. There was no way I was going to let her down. I would've tried a million more things to help her. She has done so much for my Dad for so long. There's yer strength world, see?

So here's a new picture of me with my Dad from January 29th.

He's back in the hospital again today. I spent most of today there.

Glass City Rollers

I took my boys to see the Glass City Rollers tonight. Roller Derby! We saw the movie "Whip It" a few months ago and I wanted to do this. We had a nice time, it was fun! We saw the Zimmerman Twins band that played between "bouts". (It was actually not uncivilized. It was cute. : ) Plus took the kids to Fricker's for wings afterwards. Man, downtown Toledo sure is fun in the summer! We can do anything we want to. (That is safe and affordable.)

When the Weather is Fine

Last night had that summertime feel, when all the motorcycles come out and people cruise around the first Friday night gunning their engines. So fun. Can't wait for summer.

Painted Love

Yesterday, my stepmom called me mid-morning to tell me they were taking my Dad over to the hospital. I knew it'd take a while for him to get over and situated. I planned on finishing up something at work that was overdue and heading over at lunchtime to take either a long lunch or (probably) the afternoon off. So I was waiting on a salesperson and he finally came through and I did my part and was ready to go... I got the call at 12:45, he's going to dialysis and you won't be able to see him. They are going to send him home afterwards so come over at 7.

So I go to lunch but I can't even eat so I do my walking, even though my foot is hurt and I'm super slow. Tears are streaming down my face so I stop in the bathroom out there to assess the damage, because I am super ugly when I cry. It's like, ugh, stop please before we have to kill you or put a bag over your head. Not at all like Liv Tyler who just gets sparkly eyes and prettier. Lately, I look like a stoner all the time.

But then I spotted this little guy, who cheered me up so much... I thanked my lucky stars for being easily amused and anthropomorphically talented! I walked 2 more laps and felt much better. : )

Hope he makes you smile too!

Home Again

My Dad went to the hospital today but then they took him to dialysis. I wasn't able to see him yet and he will be back home this evening. I am kind of worried.

Plans to Train for Snakes

It came to my attention this morning that I know virtually nothing about snakes. I don't know which ones are the deadliest and which are venomous, which are constrictors and which ones eat corn. I don't know where different snakes are from, whether they are African or European, what they can swallow...

Part of the problem is that I am so spoiled. Where do you find rattlesnakes? Where do you find King Cobras? And Gila Monsters and Monitors and Giant Turtles? ...Uh in the Reptile House??? Thanks awesome Toledo Zoo! (And it's really nice with lots of WPA architecture.)

Thinking of architecture makes me think of Pittsburgh. I would love to go take a tour of their buildings and bridges. Very cool. I have mixed feelings about their Natural History Museum. Other than the rock and gem gallery, which is worth the price of admission by itself, it's mostly a lot of... Well see, the dinosaur skeletons and the ancient columns look so cool, but then you realize all these things are made out of plaster of paris, so... and then you realize, Wow, somebody made all these things out of plaster of paris! See, mixed feelings. It's not antiquity, it's art! : )

Still so happy I went to the Franklin Institute last summer and saw the Gallileo exhibit. I was mere inches from 2 of Gallileo's own telescopes. COOL!!!

So why am I worried about snakes? Because if I ever go on Jeopardy, I'll need to study this. Thanks random conversations, much obliged! : )

Kitty, Helloooooo???

We are still kittenless, but E has found the perfect kitty cat name: Katana.

That rocks!

To Fish or Not To Fish

Here is one of Jim's last posts on the Velvet Blog sort of about the common mistake of attributing the saying about giving out fish to the Bible. (It's midnight. The bad writing stands. LOL : )

I am bummed that he is going defunct. The only good thing is that I find defunct blogs very easy to follow. I will finally get a chance to catch up, even though I am reading into the past.

But it reminded me of a joke my son Z made up a few months ago: "If you give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. If you give a fish a man, he'll eat for months."

Ew! : D

Oh, and he wrote this yesterday on his wall. His friend asked, "If your house was on fire and you could only grab three things, what would they be?"

And Z said, "Ok. is this like that duck, fox, and grain thing? First I'd grab my house, take it across the river, then I'd take the fire across while taking the house back, I'd take the river across the river, then I'd take the house across!"

Sounds like a plan. : )

Also

Education is important too.

More Things

I was thinking. I think employment is important to me.

Notwalking

Last night I ran out to take the garbage out real quick and stubbed my toe on a RazR scooter. Ow, ow, ow, ow, OW! I don't know if it's really broken or not but it's not walkable.

Moonwalking

Stories Tall

I didn't feel well this morning because things didn't agree with me, but it still turned out to be a productive day because I got some projects finished at work. Now I can be buried in my backlog! Hehe, no it's cool...
The good thing is I can tear through massive amounts of work on things I'm familiar with and wrap things up quickly. So much faster than, "Okay, what is this?" : )

I am taking a break from stuff. I just put my heart in the cupboard and hid the key under my iPod. I have no idea when I come back if there'll be a shriveled raisin or something healthy and pink. I'll find out later.

I'm avoiding extremes. We're bowling with bumpers, now!

I thank my lucky stars for the boys... They are so smart and sweet and fun to hang out with. They can soak up just about anything I have to offer.

They know so many things but I need to learn and tell more stories for them. My Big Boss knows hundreds of interesting little stories and it's always fun to hear them the first couple of times.

As far as motivation goes, I can pretty much frame almost any of my goals in terms of trying to be a good Mom. A better-run household and healthy attitude are good things to work for.

But they don't really care how I look. My kids only prefer I stay somewhere in the middle of the joke spectrum between "Your Momma" and "Your Mom".

But we do seem to be unnecessarily proud of being tall and strong. Big fine German stock, Jå! Like we're going to go work on a farm or something, LOL! Hope I don't somehow end up a female bodybuilder. : P

Home

Went out to eat for the anniversary last night. My Lemon chicken was too sweet but it was pretty good anyway and I had a pretty nice time.

My Dad is finally at home. He is happy, doing well, eating something like Ensure, doing physical therapy and going to dialysis and I got to visit with him.

Today

Today is my anniversary.

Rock Band Game

I just got done playing Rock Band with my kids. Guess what I was good at? I got 100% singing all my songs and was practically duck-walking over that until my kids got 100%'s too. Maybe I'll turn it up to Medium difficulty next time. LOL! : )

It's E's 13th birthday tomorrow but he got his presents today. I think he is now just a hair shorter than me and if he goes to bed quickly may be officially taller than me by tomorrow.

We tried to find a cat today but had no luck. Apparently kittens are seasonal? Really?

Piano Chat Improv

Bar-B-Que

We were very busy today. It was my Mom's birthday! We got her a card and flowers and took her out to eat dinner. We had barbecue. Then we took her on her grocery run and did a couple of quick things for her at her place.

Then we did our grocery shopping to get through half the week.

Then I stopped out to see my Dad because I didn't get out to see him Saturday. He was sleepy.

Then I worked on stuff for a while. But my son started making me a custom character in his video game and so I got to help. When it was done, he wanted to battle me! It was actually pretty darn fun seeing a virtual me with a staff and chainmail parrying and whatever and kicking some butt. "Hi-Yah!" : )

Bar-Bar-Bar-Barbarian

Saturday was a total bust. But, got some tough love from a girlfriend and learned: a) I am not that special. b) Putting up with shit is not a badge of honor.

I had this tautology: I have carried a big load for a long time, therefore I must be strong and able to carry it.

I guess I'm trying to relate to movies a lot lately... I was thinking of Conan the Barbarian. Conan was captured by the enemy when he was a child. Along with a bunch of other prisoners, he was chained to a huge grinding wheel and they had to push it around every day. Years passed and the other prisoners had disappeared and they show Conan, big and huge, pushing the wheel all by himself. I was thinking how lucky he was to get a chance to be so strong. Not about how he was chained to a wheel for thirty years.

But anyway. I had to read my own blog to see "Can't I just take a break from improving anything for a few days?" I just need to take a break.

Thinking Outside

Thankful that I have decent friends who won't introduce me to drugs, give me their parents, or take any bullshit.

I don't remember ever being at the end of my rope like this. Feeling like there is no escape, hope, solution or way to deal. Now I realize three times people have confronted me and what could I really do, sorry. Remembering these examples and what happened to them, I know it's a really bad sign, the pointless last-ditch move of desperation for anything to improve.

Thinking in movie tropes...

[Here is a really fun and interesting website about TV and movie tropes, stereotypes and storyline cliches:
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/HomePage
Some interesting ones are the "manic pixie dream chick" and the "magical negro".]

I was thinking of scenes in movies where the evil flails around trying to hide or escape before it finally succumbs in a howl of pain. I'm flailing. What a disaster. I don't even want to talk to me.

I was thinking of scenes in movies where you fight off the ship that's slightly bigger than you only to discover, now that it's vanquished, that you didn't even notice the *MOTHER SHIP* that was there all along.

I was thinking of scenes in movies where the hero finally understands that help is not coming and starts stringing up paint cans from the ceiling or crawling through the underbelly of the plane. Maybe I am there already. I'm being creative. I'll try anything. I'm thinking outside the box.

Not Sure

I'm not sure I can make this work.

Hard to Be Hard

There are two or three things I could think of doing that would make me feel much happier.

They just all involve varying degrees of stupidity, creepiness, selfishness or weakness.

So. I will remain unhappy, but be happier for it, right? : )

Yay, me.

With a $4 Tip

Wait, what? One of the niggling thoughts that's been returning to me on and off today is, why did we leave a $4 tip on a $7 ticket? It really made sense at the time too! "Oh we hardly spent any money. It wouldn't be fair to the waitress." I think my friend may have guilt issues like me. Awesome, LOL!

Weirdest Sentence Ever

"Aw, my sweet little guy's asleep and he needs a shave."

Welcome to my world.

Every Day

I like to blog something every day just so everyone knows I am still alive ...and have not lost my flair for drama!

I am a little worried my subconcious will just take over and start a band or *something* while I'm not looking.

Chicken Tostadas - $2.75

My friend Pam took me out to eat at El Camino Real and we spent less than $7 by ordering Chicken Tostadas and water with lemon. Tons of chicken and lettuce and sour cream and some cheese. It's like an upside down salad. So yum! : )

She told me her niece is a marine biologist but I misheard it as "rainbowologist". But the conversation still moved ahead well for a while until I said "Really? You can determine water quality from rainbows?" Then we had to backtrack a bit.

Too funny!

From/To, Whatev...

You know I really can't GET extra happiness FROM my kids. I am supposed to be strong and GIVE it TO them. I need to quit leaking.

Indeed

Yesterday. My 12yo said I really like the phrase "Like So", he said "I'll turn my chair to the side, like so... Then I will pick up my glass, like so..." And he did a whole series of things where he would say "like so" and my reply would be "Indeed." And a little while later he asked me to hand him the pepper and I did and I said "Here you go. Like so." and he said "Indeed!" And OMG I love my kids.

Sing It!

Here's another depressing song I like:

Glen Hansard - When Your Mind's Made Up From the movie "Once".

This post was meant to be longer with lots of songs but what do you know, I'm tired again. Going to bed!

ZZZZzzzzz.....

Rainbowology

I like how they call it "Bubble Solution". Lack of bubbles is a problem! : )

ok

Yeah ok I had a really crappy weekend and I can't sleep so I will make some stupid posts to keep my spirits up...

Ed McMahon Isn't Coming

I'm trying to read this money book because I want some motivation to improve. Plus I am low on money and want to try to figure out the most effective plan forward. But I don't know if I can take this. Between the testimonial treacle of "we followed your plan and even though we were miserable, everything's wonderful" are just "WAKE UP PEOPLE" warnings and doom!!!* I sort of feel berated. I don't know if I can really take this right now. Can I just take a break from improving anything for a few days?

*I admit to being sort of addicted to exclamation points and smiley faces. But I use them for good, not evil. A dorkly-sweet personal style just feels right to me! : )

Ram...

Dial-A-Cure

I was on the phone with my doctor's office, on hoooooooold. They had a little hold music and interspersed were messages about how to get refills, your call is important to us, please stay on the line, etc.

Then they had a little advertisement for humor. "They say 'Laughter is the best medicine', and indeed, studies show it can lower your blood pressure, cause your body to release endorphins for natural pain relief, and improve your sense of happiness and well-being...."

Indeed. They should just play comedy albums on hold. People can hang up when they feel better.

"We'll bill ya!"

Jumping for Sharks

I was eating with my kids yesterday and conversation turned to how to fish from a submarine. We decided a net would be most efficient, but a harpoon would also be effective. (Okay, "more fun". Sorry, I have teenage boys! : )

Then we talked about TV shows. Wasn't it great when "Survivor" was more about survival. When we got to spend time in the ocean next to the guy with the spear. That was cool. You think you might learn a useful skill by watching. Now, it's all gossip and drama.

Another show that fell downhill: "Heroes" used to be about heroes. We would find new heroes and they would have cool and interesting powers. They would be captured by, and escape the bad guys. Now it's all drama.

Another show that went to pieces: "Numbers". You used to be able to at least hear about an obscure math topic that maybe you didn't know about, or even better say yes I know about combinatorics, I use a little VBA script in Excel for my Bank Recs. Now, Charlie practically says "I mathed it." and they send in the goons with the guns. And have some drama.

Anyway... Need to keep the essence of my life, not drama...

An Old Saw

After days and days and days of "I really can't stand to be this miserable. I was a fool to give up hope. Where can I get strength and hope?" I've come to "Well I guess I can stand to be this miserable." Actual coping is a coping skill.

Avett Bros

I just discovered this band and really like this song.

School of Hard Rocks

Yes, I know what an idiot I've sounded like this week. I'm so pretty, la di da di da di da...

One of my sons didn't like baths so I never told him to get ready for his bath, I always asked him if he wanted "Bubbles or No Bubbles". Well, duh, Mom, of course I want Bubbles! So it was a little trick. I feel like I fell for a trick...

I am just so angry. I can't believe I'm angry. I am just steaming. This is not the way I wanted anything to turn out. I am so disappointed. And mad.

I am crying all the time. My friend stumbled upon me and it's like okay, I'll answer your question, but first you must chit-chat with me and cheer me up because I need it and you are just lucky I guess... I don't want to be "that person" people avoid because they are a crap-trap. Grrrrr!!!

I wish I was a guy because I bet I'd be able to get more work done fuming than crying. I put a picture of a jar of rocks on my computer so I can try to get the big stuff done before the piddly stuff. Grrrrr!!! Stupid big stuff...

But at least I've discovered yet another way I have my wires crossed. It's really interesting. Like love/money, sex/security and now anger/pride. Good to know. How else would I learn this sh*t?

And I think my only coping mechanism for anger is dressing like a rock star. How f'ing stupid is that? Today I am wearing a navy blue and grey leopard print silk blouse. I wonder what I can wear tomorrow??? You should have seen me when I had to work 18 hour days. I had actual studs and sparkles. Yeah. "I'm my own person, you stupid bad situation! And I rebel, slightly, against propriety!"