Saturday, May 15, 2010


Today is a year since I gave up sugar. Of course, it wouldn't make any sense to give up sugar and still drink beer, so that too. I was used to having a good time and had gone through agony with my back for two years so it wasn't as easy as I'd hoped... And I haven't been perfect but I can count them on one hand... So, normal people might count that for something...

Someone wants me to feel old and I don't. I think whatever awful thing was supposed to happen with my age switching from 39 to 40, whatever it was got totally overrided by my greatly improved health. I healed from back surgery, gave up sugar, started exercising, and lost 45 lbs. Sorry, don't care about my age.

Woke up the other morning thinking, 'You know, you should have a baby.' What??? 'Yeah, really. You haven't smoked for years. You don't drink. You always took your vitamins. You're strong and healthy. Your kids are big now and you make awesome kids. You really should.' I just wonder how long that's been floating around in my subconcious before it surfaced. Instincts.

None of my old clothes fit me. It looks like crap to wear 4 sizes too big. I have trouble not buying new clothes that make me look pretty. (It's all relative!) It's just for me really.

I've been thinking about things and I noticed I can't even talk to anybody without some kind of compliment. "OMG, I love your shoes!"... "Your hair is so cute!"... What is this? Who is this person? When did this start? It's not a lie, if I didn't think her hair was cute I would've picked her earrings or sweater or whatever the next cutest thing was, but what is this for? I guess I'm trying to be social but I'm just sick of myself.

Just going through a restructuring right now. It's not so good. I feel so unconnected to everyone and everything. I feel like I can't make anything better so what's the use anyway? You know, I never ate breakfast lunch or dinner today. Going to bed. 'Night!

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