Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Just Don't Know

Went to the show. Said Hi to an acquaintance who I know from a social network and his friends one girl one guy introduced themselves to me but then right away he waved his hand up at me and said "Well, you came over to say Hi, so Hi--" and turned to walk out to the back porch. I just felt kind of stupid so I watched the TV for a while, there was a show about pawn shops that was kind of interesting. Then the opening act was setting up so I went out and got a good table and kind of put myself to the side like either that's how I wanted to sit or they were welcome to join me when they came out. And they didn't look at or say anything to me and sat at the table right next to me. And then another girl from the social network came in and sat down and looked at me like sorry and then whispered to the other girl. I was so embarrassed and felt like a presumptuous loser. At the bar when I went up I said to the guy 'I must have misunderstood, when people announce things it usually means come join them and you do know me, so I'm kind of embarrassed... You're making me feel like some kind of creepy stalker or something.' So he said 'Don't worry about it, you're fine.' But nothing changed, it's not like they then asked me to pull my chair over 12 inches or anything... I felt so rejected and stupid I had to go out and cry for a minute. I came back but I felt really uncomfortable. I went to get a refill of Diet Coke and somebody took my table. But I paid my $7 and I was going to see the band. So I hung out in the doorway and then after a couple songs found a place to sit behind a wall next to the sound guy. I had to go out and cry a little more. I came back and said a prayer, just that I could accept the situation and find peace. Then the band was having trouble with feedback. And the sound guy was not around and the band was saying "Somebody please help us! Just turn down "K1" and "K2"!" And so I stood up and peeked at the giant soundboard. I saw no K1 and K2 but positionally I was starting to suspect the sliders labeled Q1 and Q2 were it and was still debating whether the sound guy would kick my ass or just kick me out when he came running up. I said "I didn't touch anything" and sat back down. And I started to enjoy myself because I realized: I am not a "cool kid". Who would do that? I can be dorky. I can be emotional. I can be way too earnest. If I'm not dancing with my feet, I'll be dancing in my seat or at the very least keeping the beat. So I guess I don't really fit in with them. I guess I wonder why they didn't tell me I wasn't welcome. Oh wait, they did. See? Not cool.

The band walked off the stage because of the sound guy or the crowd.
Anyway, I will beg Barb or Amy to go next time or hunt down my wild band girl Jackie. I need a wingman. Wait--sidekick? Whatever!

I want to know when I will find my crowd.

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