Lost and Found

I think my year begins in Fall. Things seem to change for me in mid to late September every year.

I'm just kind of thinking of the time periods. The last few years have kind of run together. They've been about stages. And it doesn't seem like gradually stages where things fade into each other slowly, but more demarcated, like discoveries: I didn't know and now I do. I couldn't and now I can.

I would not expect to be happy, and really I'm not Happy-Happy about the breakdown of my marriage but really I am kind of more serene now. It's been a long time through stages of trauma, recovery, healing, awareness, finding my eyes (seeing how things really are), finding my feet (realizing I can explore my world), finding my arms (relating to other people on a deeper level), and finding my hands (understanding my power to change my environment and circumstances).

Sloth it Off

Wow, just had a really crazy month and a half in which my brother finally came to visit. Things eventually got weird as in too much nervous energy and cabin fever for him. I'm glad he's back and happy again. I want to rest and breath but I've got too much to do. Not that I'm not just resting, but I'm feeling really guilty about it. So what do they call that? ...rest without relaxation?

The Pics

I've been looking at pictures of the devastation in Japan. I can't even stand to look at it. So sad. So much destruction.

Wishes For Fishes

Woke up despeately missing my fishes. Angel Rocket, a white tetra and Volcano, a black and orange guppy the color of cooling lava. They were troopers. They lasted over a year as we added other pretty little no-name fish, like the tiny ones with the electric blue stripe down the side. I loved to watch the tank every night when I sang my boys to sleep with "Colors of the Wind" from Pocahontas. (That's what they wanted to hear and it always did the trick even though I'd have to get kind of loud to reach the high notes.) One day we bought a new tetra from M@*!@&'s. He was going to be a new best friend for Volcano and Angel Rocket. A day or two later, everybody looked funny, kind of "mossy". They had Ick, which is such a descriptive name. We put the drops in and tried to save them but everyone died... So I woke up in the middle of the night, deeply sad about the fish I used to love and the little children who used to love them.

A Happy New Year

Wow. Sorry to be missing in action but I think I am busy being happy.

A few days ago I found a file where I wrote "you can't expect to be happy until you realize you can't expect to be happy". Which I didn't even realize was a way for me to justify/pass off lowered expectations as wisdom...

You people, and you know who you are, really helped me become a person. I thought it was just the strange random magical luck of the Internet that found me people who were willing to be interested. And wonderful people willing to talk to me. THANK you.

You know, that was really kind of a rough ride for me, coming through all that. I think denial was my best coping mechanism. There was a lot to break through. I am so grateful to be free. I want it to be known that I made myself unhappy. As a square peg, I really had no business trying to deny my corners and squeeze into a round hole. You can't fake your personality away. I can't believe I could try to pretend not to be weird! That's like my main appeal! : )

Well I still have some technical difficulties and I've just finally figured out that amicable doesn't mean easy and I really do need to do ALL the work and that's okay I just needed to accept that. Meeting to get together and "decide things" that never actually happen are still time-consuming, time passes... So that's my first work of the year.

Of course I am not dating but I have a couple prospects that I'm happy about. One of my friends even gave me a nice Christmas present.

I hope those reading this can feel my love and appreciation for your attention, acceptance and concern.

Xoxo,
Sue