Gorilla Welfare

Thinking a lot lately about changes in my attitude. They resulted from completely giving up on everything. I can't make things work that don't. It's a relief not to have to try so hard.  So, here's one thing I learned that I think is important enough to pass along... Don't try to wrestle with your emotions. They will totally kick your ass.  They don't speak English and they carry all the really good weapons:  your brain chemicals, your cravings, your mood, your memories, your hormones, your whole physiology.  They can toss you around like a gorilla throwing a rag doll. But the thing to realize is, this gorilla actually *LOVES* you.  You are it's baby and it just wants to help you "be happy".  It can be short-sighted and irrational and doesn't always plan very well, but if you don't either and you are miserable, it will step in and take over.  If you are not respecting yourself and your own rights it will begin to send you messages.  Things like nightmares, dread, depression, boredom, distractions, hopelessness, addictions, daydeams, stress, attractions, impotence, panic attacks, ulcers, sudden hair loss, receding gums, and chronic pain.  The messages will escalate until it gets your attention... Warnings:  If you ever vomit on the way up to a door, for goodness' sake, don't open that door, just turn around. If you EVER feel like ending your life, you probably actually DO need to end--not your living, breathing existence--but your LIFE, how you are living.  What is the most drastic change you could conceivably make and if you made that change, could things REALLY be EVEN worse?  If you really want to "end your life" you are under no reasonable obligation to continue with what you are doing the way you are doing it.  Change everything.  CAN you do it by yourself and how, or why not?  Who can help?  SOMEONE can if you look for them. I'd heard the phrase "you have to deal with your emotions" often enough but couldn't actually *DO* anything with that until one day it struck me literally: "*MAKE* a deal with your emotions".  So this little mindhack helped:  I listen carefully to what my subconcious is telling me, try to figure out what goal it's trying to accomplish and decide what approach I want to go with.  It IS literally talking to myself but I don't buy into the stigma on people talking to themselves. I acknowledge the feelings and ask for my deal...  "Yes, I know, that IS a sad situation.  Let's have a good cry over that later after I get home from work and for now maybe I'll keep my mind occupied with work stuff, okay?"  "Yes, I can see where you're coming from, and it's TOTALLY understandable for a person to feel that way if they are Human.  I'm sorry about the way real life works and that there are no shortcuts, but I'll do what I can for you, okay?"   "Thanks for the idea, that DOES sound like it could be fun/delicious/a nice treasure, but the consequences would probably exceed the benefits.  How about we do this other thing for now, and see how that works, okay?"  "Sure, it would be cool to spend time playing but the waste of all that time usually leads to disappointment.  The sense of accomplishment from doing something productive will be better and more lasting.... How about we play afterwards, okay?"   And the subconcious is SO happy to finally get some consideration and appreciation that it's pretty cool with my deals and seems to use it's influence to help me make those deals work out. This all just sounds like "self-control".  But the distinction is that it's easier to buddy up with the 800-pounds of emotions than to try to CONTROL them.

Today

Today I took my Mom's boxes of photographs off my kitchen table. I took her photograph off my wall. I've never been one for photos of loved ones all around. It's not that I don't care, I get too emotional. When I had pictures of my children on my desk, I couldn't get anything done I'm more of a photo album kind of person. I like to get into it and reminisce, not just walk past my love on the way to the bathroom. Or not walk past, not be blind, be blind-sided. "Oh, Look..." I took her ashes down off my front shelf, underneath it was her death certificate. I wrapped it in a beautiful silk scarf from China. It's not that it was in my face, or in my way. I wasn't constantly tripping over a big black death-brick. It's just what does it mean, what do I do, this is incomplete, is she mine now? Do I have to want to keep this? Do I? I took everything, well not everything, but the things I mentioned above... I put them in the laundry room cabinet and closed the doors. They are not gone, they are set aside with honors, kept safe for when I am ready..